|
phone sex
Question: My 16 year old daughter is having phone sex with her boyfriend. She says doing this will keep them from having real sex. I disagree. What is your opinion?
Posted By: Melissa Answer: Of course without knowing your daughter and her boyfriend and what they actually mean by "phone sex" it is difficult to state whether or not they will end up engaging in "real sex." Again, one's definition of this can vary. Some people include all aspects of sexual activity -- masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, sexual intercourse, even making out or phone sex -- as "real sex." However, I am assuming that as the parent you are most likely referring to sexual intercourse as "real sex."
You don't say how you found out about this. Did you hear or see her on the phone or did she tell you about it? I was wondering if the phone sex you refer to is on a landline phone or a cell phone. I know quite a few young people have uploaded half nude or fully naked photos of themselves to the chagrin of a parent when found out. I guess the bottom line is with all the new technology available to teens they are not always aware that this kind of activity can not only be revealing but could also be exploited. The latter can occur if the relationship breaks up or even if one of the partners wants to show off to their pals. Pictures on a cell phone can be uploaded to the Internet.
I am guessing that you do not want your daughter to engage in overt sexual activity and that you think the "phone sex" is just a preliminary step towards her then taking the next step into sexual intercourse. I would suggest that you let your daughter know that to some people having phone sex is having "real" sex, though she may believe it is a substitute for intercourse. Do you see the phone sex as risky because it may be stimulating and arousing already racing adolescent hormones so that there would be no stopping her from acting out in reality what they are playing out on the phone? My guess is she is trying to reassure you, or perhaps she is really reassuring herself, that she is having phone sex since she is not yet ready for the real thing yet.
I am curious as to how you have dealt with this situation with your daughter. I imagine some parents might take phone privileges away although this could be tricky since the teen may then feel pushed into acting out just to retaliate. I think most important is for you and your daughter to communicate openly, for you to give her your opinions in a non-judgmental way and to spend time discussing sex with her, answer her questions and let her know your concerns without pressure or preaching. Let's face it, by the time our children are teens they have already internalized our values even if they may fight against them as they establish their own identity and individuation.
Expert: Elaine Leader, Ph.D.
My 12 yr daughter craves boys attention
Question: My 12-year-old daughter is constantly seeking male attention, whether through photos, dress or flirting. I've explained about every danger that could happen with her behavior, but she just doesn't get it. Any suggestion would be appreciated. Thank you.
Posted By: Anonymous Answer: Thanks for asking this very important question. Although I do not have any information about your family dynamics (e.g., are mom and dad both in the picture; do one or both of you travel a lot; are there brothers and sisters), I can tell you this: Usually when a 12 year-old girl craves boys' attention it is because something is missing in the kind of attention she receives from her father and/or mother. For example, if her dad works many hours and is not there for her she may be trying to fill an emptiness. Or, if her dad is physically there, but was emotionally distracted with career pursuits or immersing himself in television or hobbies, she may feel a certain kind of deprivation. It is also possible that she may feel she didn't get the kind of quality attention she would have wished for with you. You need to take a hard, open, and honest look at your family interactions to answer these questions. A 12-year-old girl is in an interim place vacillating between childhood and adolescence. But take heart: You may still be able to reach the child in her.
The following four things should help the situation:
- Special Time with her father. She needs to look forward to and anticipate one night a week when she and Dad can go out for dinner and talk. Or even better, if Dad can arrange to have 15 minutes every day at a similar time (e.g.: after dinner or before dinner) when he can sit with her and listen to whatever she wants to talk about, that would be helpful. He must make a big deal about not answering the phone or accepting any interruptions. It might fill a need in her so that her craving for boys' attention may diminish.
- Special Time with her mother. This is the same idea as with Dad, only with different activities. Perhaps Mom and daughter go out for ice-cream or take a walk around the block and talk.
- Boundaries and limits. You will need to set clear boundary lines for what is acceptable to you and what is not. For example, you will need to specifically tell your daughter that she cannot dress showing skin on her midriff or wear low-cut tops. You need to be firm about what is comfortable for YOU. You are her parent. You have a right, and an obligation, to guide her and stop her when she approaches the risky zone. You must use your gut as a barometer to measure when you feel uncomfortable. You are at a fork in the road. If you are to navigate her future, you must take hold now.
- You alluded to your daughter seeking male attention through photos. If she is texting and being sexually provocative through photos, you might want to consider getting her a cell phone that has NO Internet or texting access. In other words, you can control her use of the cell phone by making sure that she can only make phone calls and cannot use it for any other purpose.
Good luck. Please write and let us know how you and she are doing!
Expert: Dr. Frances Walfish
Bisexual
Question: My 15 year old daughter just told me she was "bi." She has a boyfriend and doesn't seem to have any lesbian tendencies. She is now telling her friends she is "bi" and I think this could come back to haunt her What should I do?
Posted By: Anonymous, Denver co Answer: It sounds like you were surprised, confused or at least concerned when your daughter told you she was “bi.” First of all, your daughter must trust you enough to feel comfortable to tell you this about her sexual orientation. Many teenagers are so fearful of rejection if they are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender that they do not confide in parents. The fact that she has a boyfriend does not rule out the possibility that she is also attracted to females.
In some schools it has become the “in” thing to say one is bisexual; this is particularly true for girls. It is a way of stating their “sophistication” regarding sexual orientation and a willingness to experiment sexually with both males and females. As you probably know, the adolescent stage of development is one wherein teens are trying out new roles and experimenting in many arenas, one of which is with sexuality.
Many teens who may experiment with same sex encounters during their adolescence are basically heterosexual and form lasting heterosexual relationships in adulthood. These are the teens that look back on any bisexual activity as “just a phase.” However, others who as teens say they are “bi,” find it much easier to tell others and themselves that they are bisexual than to come out as lesbian or gay even though they actually are questioning and suspect that is their true orientation. Being bisexual appears to be more acceptable in the eyes of one’s peers, parents and society in general.
As to what to do. Probably the best answer to this question is--Nothing! You are lucky that your daughter has come to you so openly. What is most important is that she should feel accepted in your eyes no matter what her sexual orientation is or will be. Keep the lines of communication open by letting her know you are available should she have any questions about sexuality, including sexual practices, and that you are there to listen if she wants to share her experiences with you.
Some parents are not comfortable with that. But even if you are, it is a good idea to suggest that she see if her school has a Gay Straight Alliance or a Project 10 where she could meet other teens who are dealing with issues around sexual orientation. She could also contact TEEN LINE through their website www.teenlineonline.org were she can get more information on LGBT issues and can email, call or Live Chat to a trained teen about anything that may be of concern to her.
RESOURCES
Expert: Elaine Leader, Ph.D.
Question: I just learned that my 15 year old son is having sex. We had done all the right things up to this point. We have already talked with him and discussed all the consequences of his actions. Plus, he is not allowed to see his girlfriend unchaproned and he was grounded from a homecoming dance. The girl's mother knew they were contemplating sex but did not contact us.
What else can we do now to prevent this from happening in the future? Or are we fighting a lossing battle and should focus on "safe sex" vs no sex?
Posted By: Guest, phoenix, arizona Answer: You are dealing with one of the major parental dilemmas of the 21st Century in the United States, which is further complicated by culture, religion, and generational issues. People’s different values make it difficult to give an all-encompassing answer to your excellent question. There is no one exact answer, but here are some suggestions that might diffuse the situation.
STEP 1. Sexual behavior in teens is often a hot button for parents. The key is to slow things down. Don’t be too quick to react.
STEP 2. It is hard to convince a 15 year-old that even with all of your life experience, you know more than he does especially about relationships. First, validate that you know he has strong feelings for his girlfriend. Try to help him differentiate between passion and sexual attraction. Tell him that it takes time to really know someone. Explain to him that in serious relationships he needs time to be sure his partner is truthful, monogamous, treats his feelings with care and respect, and is comfortable communicating openly with him. This is what relationships are based on. These qualities simply take time to see, which is why truly serious relationships take time to develop without being complicated by sex.
You or your spouse might acknowledge that you know he is likely to do what he wants, but you are hoping he will consider listening to your thoughts with an open mind.
By talking about the importance of relationships and trust, perhaps he will begin to understand that he may be too young to pursue this. By creating an environment where he feels safe to open up to you he may realize that unknowingly, he may be pressuring his girlfriend--or the opposite—or he may be bowing to peer pressure. Tell him: “It worries me and Dad.” Ask him to think about what you’ve all talked about and express your desire to have another conversation soon.
STEP 3. I think that if your son has already had sex with his girlfriend, it's going to be significantly more difficult to discourage him. But continue to talk to him about condoms reducing the numbers of STD transmissions as well as preventing HIV infection. Remind him that condoms can break and are not 100% foolproof.
STEP 4. If you try to put a stop to it, it is likely your son will see that as a declaration of war. Stay clear of grounding and punishments. Teens do not want to be forced. Often they will start hiding behavior, lying, and creating more defenses for keeping you out. In effect, they will go “underground.” You want to create an atmosphere of open discussion.
STEP 5 Remember, this is a process. Your son has already had his first sexual encounter. One conversation won’t make him stop thinking about sex. Give it a little time and a chance for your son to come around and see your point of view without him experiencing it as you taking control over his personal life. Good Luck and please let us know how it goes.
Dr. Fran Walfish
You may want to visit The California Family Health Council online, which has a section for parents on talking to their children about sex and relationships.
Books: “Staying Connected to Your Teenager” by Michael Riera; “How to Talk to Teens About Love, Relationships and S-E-X: A Guide for Parents” by Charles D. Miron, Ph.D. and Amy Miron, M.S.
Expert: Dr. Frances Walfish
|
