I have a 14 year old daughter who, like many other American teens, has a cellphone. We delayed allowing her to have texting [on the phone] for a long time. We allowed texting when she turned 14 which was about six months ago. We established rules around texting and asked her to agree to those and sign a "contract," which she did.
A few months ago she broke a couple of the rules. I took her cellphone and read a few texts (one of the agreements was that all texts were open to review). There were some very inappropriate texts from a boy she met at camp last summer. She lost the texting privilege due to the rule infraction, and it allowed us to have some good conversations about how to respond to this boy and what to look for in a boy, etc. She lost the texting privilege for about two months and has earned it back.
Today I noticed that she has begun texting this boy again. I want to handle this in a way that won't alienate her but I don't think she is using good judgment. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
Posted By: Guest, Salem, Oregon
Answer:
First, I'd like to congratulate you on the parenting you've done so far. Having a cellphone is a privilege, so it makes sense to have rules about its use. When your daughter broke the rules, the penalties were clear. Just as important, you used her mistakes as an opportunity to have important conversations about healthy relationships.
Now you need to think carefully about what is making you uneasy about your daughter's relationship with this boy. Are you worried that the messages are too flirtatious or sexual? Remind her that text messages can be forwarded and reposted, so she shouldn't say anything, much less send photos that she wouldn't want other people--including you--to see.
If you are worried that this boy is an unsuitable friend, you are on more treacherous ground. Ever since Romeo and Juliet, parents have found that forbidding contact between young people is likely to backfire. Continue to talk your daughter about this relationship. In addition to expressing your concerns, listen to what she has to say. Why does she like this young man?
Of course, 14-year-olds don't yet have mature judgment, so you will want to continue to monitor your daughter's texting, especially if there is any evidence that she is being pressured by this boy. You may want to equip her phone with My Mobile Watchdog or Mobile Spy. Both programs will send you an e-mail report on all calls and text messages.
If you decide this relationship is not in your daughter's best interest, ask your cellphone carrier about Parental Controls. (The three major carriers offer this. Others might as well.) You may be able to block the young man's number, but this tactic should only be used as a last resort. Young people are resourceful; if you cut off one channel, they are likely to find other ways to communicate. Keep in mind that your ultimate goal is to build your daughter's skills and self-confidence so she will make good decisions about relationships on her own behalf.
Question:Our teenage daughter seems to be on the outside of many friendships and does not have much communication with the girls she considers her friends. We do know that she is not included very often in outside school gatherings. She is a great kid, with a Christian heart, but not very outgoing. We don't want her to be the life of the party, just maybe invited to it.
Posted By: Anonymous
Answer:
It sounds like you feel a lot of empathy for your daughter and perhaps you are able to identify with her situation from your own past experience? Is your daughter as concerned as you are about her social interactions? Although developmentally it is important during adolescence for young people to be part of a peer group, some teens are more comfortable sharing with just one or two friends rather than being one of a crowd.
Is your daughter comfortable reaching out to her friends or is she waiting for them to contact her for social engagements? I often hear from parents that their teen, and this includes males as well as females, are not included in outside school gatherings. However, it often appears that their teen finds it difficult to take the initiative in calling or inviting peers to do something social. A good first step is for your daughter to ask a friend to go to the mall or to a movie or to a special outing. It is also important that she not wait till the last minute to make a plan with a friend or friends and that she specify what and where rather than being vague about wanting to get together with the friend.
You mention your daughter is not very outgoing so I am wondering if she has a history of being reserved and has always found it difficult to reach out or to confront friends when she feels left out or is this something new for her? If she has always been outgoing and had lots of friends and this is a recent development perhaps she is feeling a bit withdrawn or even depressed. Have you considered the possibility of counseling? I find that teens that appear to be even somewhat socially isolated do really well in a group counseling setting, particularly one that focuses on social skills.
Does your daughter find it easier to touch base with friends through the Internet rather than in person? Many young people who feel awkward socially find communicating through the Internet easier than picking up the phone to call a friend. I, and other mental health professionals, have some concern that because of the popularity and ease of technology, such as IM and social networking, that young people are not getting the practice of face-to-face communication that we all need to develop relationships. In fact, at TEEN LINE we have found that in the past few years we are getting a lot more emails and Live Chat from teens even than calls to our hotline. However, our trained teen listeners are often able to encourage teens who email to then call in to the hotline. Contacting the Line through www.teenlineonline.org can be a good first step for a teen that is reticent to speak directly to a peer.
Question:Question: We have a 16 yr. old daughter that has ADHD and ODD. She does not make good choices in many aspects of her life although we do give her the opportunity to do so. She needs to learn from mistakes in order to grow. However she has a friend that is manipulative and who has alienated all of our daughter’s other friends in order to have a hold on her. Our child listens to and acts on everything this "friend" says as if it were gospel. She has already been in trouble a few times because of her relationship with this girl. If we forbid her to see her, she will sneak, we are sure of that.
How do we help her to see that this friend does not have her best interests at heart because of past history (there is proof), and that something huge will happen in the future if she continues this relationship. Others have warned us about this friend and suggested we keep our child away from her. We are at a loss as to what to do next. We need help! Please advise the best way to go about handling this. Thank You.
Posted By: Guest, Minneapolis, MN
Answer:
You certainly seem to be facing a dilemma with your 16 year old. If you ban her from seeing the friend whom you feel is a bad influence then you risk her sneaking out behind your back. On the other hand if you allow things to continue you risk your daughter getting into serious difficulties. You do not specify the kind of trouble she has got into in the past because of this “friend” so I can’t give you specific advice regarding those incidents. However, there are some steps you can take.
Since you state that your daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD I am wondering if she is seeing a therapist or counselor to help her with these issues? Many young people with these difficulties can be impulsive as well as oppositional. It might, therefore, be a good idea to arrange to meet as a family with a counselor who could help you express your concerns without alienating your daughter.
Another possibility is to have someone your daughter admires, a trusted adult, speak with her to help her look at some of her choices. Perhaps there is a favorite aunt, teacher, or minister whom your daughter relates well to who can help her explore the ramifications of the destructive behaviors for which you have concerns. I think an approach that focuses more on the risky behaviors rather than the unworthiness of the friend might yield better results. I always think it helpful to enlist a teenager’s better judgment by having them consider what they might say to a friend who was getting into trouble so that it is not all focused on the relationship with the friend you dislike.
If your daughter refuses to go for counseling do you think she might consider calling TEEN LINE to speak with a trained peer? Or go to the website www.teenlineonline.org where she can read the emails or message board posts from other teens facing similar issues. There is also a link to a Live Chat which most teens love.
On a final note, many teens go through stages where they choose friends whom their parents are horrified with but if their underlying values are healthy they usually get through this difficult acting out phase. Most important is for you to get the support you need from professional sources. Good luck.
