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Motivation
Question: My 16-year-old son is bright, intuitive for his age, makes friends easily, is popular and funny-- just a well behaved and all around good kid. He is borderline ADD and did not like taking his Adderall XR due to the personality changes. He changed to Vyvanse so his ADD is treated for the most part.
My greatest concern is that he lacks motivation, ambition and drive and is a HUGE underachiever. For example, he wants to study medicine in college. However, his grades are not great and teachers blame it all on him not doing the work for which he is MORE THAN CAPABLE. Getting him to do chores, taking care of business before his social life, is a huge struggle. He is not a big gamer, but he does spend too much time on texting or the computer. I have taken the approach of talking about actions = results and have also given him step by step lists. I am a single parent and his father is 900 miles away. He is spoiled but I am hard on him when necessary.
Please provide any resources or direction for short term and long term help, or whatever I can do to help him with all his great intentions (but no follow-through). He needs help with underachieving, ambition, drive, motivation, and goal setting. I am open to books, seminars, camps, ANYTHING!!!!
Thank you for any help you can provide. I am desperate and scared I have waited too long to address this behavior!!!!
Posted By: Kim B Answer: You certainly sound like you are torn between your frustration with your son and your overwhelming feelings of concern and caring. You do not say if you have other children so I am assuming your son is an only child. Single parents have a difficult job parenting as they do not have a partner to share their parenting dilemmas with. By the time the child is an adolescent you also must deal on your own with the normal maturational process of separation and individuation when the teenager is appropriately struggling to be independent, to form his own beliefs and values. The good news is that most teens, even as they battle parental guidance, have usually internalized the parental values so that as they emerge from the teen years they are generally the kind of young adult you have been nurturing along with your own belief system.
It sounds like you could benefit from a parenting group where you can share your issues and hear how other parents deal with similar problems with their teens. Perhaps you could ask other parents if they know of one or contact your local family services agency for a referral. There is an organization called Because I Love You that is a free parent self-help program. They help parents set limits and to know when to back off. You don’t say where you live so I don’t know if they are available in your area, but it is worth checking out. With regard to teen trips and camps, Jill Levin offers a free advisory service: www.TipsonTripsandCamps.com. You can email her at Jill@TipsonTripsandCamps.com or call her at 888-931-3300.
Since teens tend to turn to their peers when they are dealing with issues, I find that an adolescent group experience can be very beneficial. In group counseling they can get suggestions on how to handle the complexities of adolescence and even to appreciate their parent’s efforts even as they fight against them. You can also give your son a great website where he can live chat with trained teens and get lots of relevant information for teenagers: www.teenlineonline.org.
There are quite a few good books for parents of teens but one I think you might like is “Parents, Teens and Boundaries: How to Draw the Line” by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. It is in paperback and includes exercises at the end of each chapter to help parents work through the advice as it relates to their situation.
On a final note, I have always found that developing a reward system helps teens achieve results, but this must be coupled with REALISTIC consequences when responsibilities are not met. By the way, the responsibilities need to be agreed to and not just imposed. I suggest writing out a “contract” so that chores are not glossed over or “forgotten.” It is important that both parent and teen have agreed on what the responsibilities, plus the rewards and consequences, are. Good luck.
Expert: Elaine Leader, Ph.D.
A Teen Parent
Question: My niece has been living with me for a year. She is the mother of a 2 year old. She has always been good, but like most teenagers, you have to remind them to do their chores, did they eat, did they do their homework, etc. Except lately her priorities have completely changed. She has begun dating a boy that is a bit younger than her, but what worries me is her lack of interest in her child. He'll have a full wet diaper, or she'll forget to feed him. The other day I ran across her Myspace page, and she had a picture posted of her and her boyfriend. It was not an appropriate picture. I was a bit harsh when I texted her asking why she had that picture up. That evening when I arrived home, I spoke with her. I was trying to be as calm as possible. My main concern is her son, my great-nephew. I try to choose my words carefully especially since she just turned 18 years old last week. I would not want her to rebel and leave, but at the same time I need to let her know that she is a mother first and foremost. Tonight, my sister-in-law and I will be talking to her again. My sister-in-law was also a teen mom so perhaps my niece will be able to relate to her advice better than mine. I could use some direction.
Posted By: Audrey H., East Chicago, IN Answer: This is a difficult situation, and your niece is lucky to have an adult in her life who is willing to provide support and guidance to her and her child. In your role as her support system, it may be challenging and dismaying to you that her priorities appear to be out of order. I took note of your understanding that she (is) a mother first and foremost before she is anything else. Unfortunately, despite the fact that she is a parent, there is no escaping the fact that that your niece is still, in many respects, a child herself.
Adolescents are uniquely self-absorbed, and the fact that they may have adult responsibilities such as parenting does not alter the developmental path that they experience on their way to adulthood. A teen parent is an adolescent first and a mother second. Some of the tasks of adolescence include establishing a sense of identity, separating from the family of origin, establishing a moral and ethical code, and taking on increased independence and responsibility. While adolescence is all about the developing self, good parenting is child-focused. This presents a dilemma and a unique set of stressors for teen parents who are still in a rapid phase of development.
Providing the love, guidance, nurturing, physical care and consistency a young child requires is a tremendous task. Teen parents often feel isolated and out of sync with their peers, and in their desire to be 'normal' (i.e., just a teenager, not a parent), they can make poor decisions. Your concerns about your niece's caretaking abilities and their impact on her child are well founded, and, as you wisely suggest, do need to be addressed thoughtfully.
As you attempt to help your niece develop a more adult understanding of her responsibility to her child, try to demonstrate appreciation for the things she may be doing well. Is she holding down a job or going to school? Is she taking care of her responsibilities in the home? Compliment and support her best efforts whenever possible. When you have a concern, try to address it with her in a non-judgmental or accusatory fashion. Face-to-face communication is likely to have more impact than texting, and it gives you the opportunity to model good communication skills for her.
Ask your niece if she needs help in sorting out how to best care for her son while still having some time for herself and her relationship. She may need additional supports, such as a parenting skills course or a dialogue with other teenage parents. Your baby nephew's pediatrician can provide you with community resources you may not know about. A parenting course may be offered through your local hospital or county mental health center, and your niece may be more open to this information when it comes from an objective source.
Try not to let your own understanding of what is 'best' for your niece and her child become a power struggle between the two of you.? Find a safe place to vent your own worries and frustrations, perhaps with a close friend or therapist. Maintaining good boundaries is crucial in keeping your relationship with your niece on track. You cannot be of help to her, despite your best intentions, if she is unwilling to listen to you. If you feel that her baby is at risk in any way, a frank conversation with the baby's pediatrician, yourself, and your niece may be helpful in developing a plan to help her move forward. Criticism and lecturing, even delivered in the most loving way possible, are not likely to elicit change. Compassionate understanding of her experience, as both a teen and a mother, will likely be more helpful as you attempt to guide and love her through this challenging time in her life.
Compassion for yourself is critical as well. You have a very important role in your niece's and her baby's life. Please remember to take care of yourself so that you remain up to the task!
Expert: Allison Friedman, LCSW
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