|
Motivation
Question: My 16-year-old son is bright, intuitive for his age, makes friends easily, is popular and funny-- just a well behaved and all around good kid. He is borderline ADD and did not like taking his Adderall XR due to the personality changes. He changed to Vyvanse so his ADD is treated for the most part.
My greatest concern is that he lacks motivation, ambition and drive and is a HUGE underachiever. For example, he wants to study medicine in college. However, his grades are not great and teachers blame it all on him not doing the work for which he is MORE THAN CAPABLE. Getting him to do chores, taking care of business before his social life, is a huge struggle. He is not a big gamer, but he does spend too much time on texting or the computer. I have taken the approach of talking about actions = results and have also given him step by step lists. I am a single parent and his father is 900 miles away. He is spoiled but I am hard on him when necessary.
Please provide any resources or direction for short term and long term help, or whatever I can do to help him with all his great intentions (but no follow-through). He needs help with underachieving, ambition, drive, motivation, and goal setting. I am open to books, seminars, camps, ANYTHING!!!!
Thank you for any help you can provide. I am desperate and scared I have waited too long to address this behavior!!!!
Posted By: Kim B Answer: You certainly sound like you are torn between your frustration with your son and your overwhelming feelings of concern and caring. You do not say if you have other children so I am assuming your son is an only child. Single parents have a difficult job parenting as they do not have a partner to share their parenting dilemmas with. By the time the child is an adolescent you also must deal on your own with the normal maturational process of separation and individuation when the teenager is appropriately struggling to be independent, to form his own beliefs and values. The good news is that most teens, even as they battle parental guidance, have usually internalized the parental values so that as they emerge from the teen years they are generally the kind of young adult you have been nurturing along with your own belief system.
It sounds like you could benefit from a parenting group where you can share your issues and hear how other parents deal with similar problems with their teens. Perhaps you could ask other parents if they know of one or contact your local family services agency for a referral. There is an organization called Because I Love You that is a free parent self-help program. They help parents set limits and to know when to back off. You don’t say where you live so I don’t know if they are available in your area, but it is worth checking out. With regard to teen trips and camps, Jill Levin offers a free advisory service: www.TipsonTripsandCamps.com. You can email her at Jill@TipsonTripsandCamps.com or call her at 888-931-3300.
Since teens tend to turn to their peers when they are dealing with issues, I find that an adolescent group experience can be very beneficial. In group counseling they can get suggestions on how to handle the complexities of adolescence and even to appreciate their parent’s efforts even as they fight against them. You can also give your son a great website where he can live chat with trained teens and get lots of relevant information for teenagers: www.teenlineonline.org.
There are quite a few good books for parents of teens but one I think you might like is “Parents, Teens and Boundaries: How to Draw the Line” by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. It is in paperback and includes exercises at the end of each chapter to help parents work through the advice as it relates to their situation.
On a final note, I have always found that developing a reward system helps teens achieve results, but this must be coupled with REALISTIC consequences when responsibilities are not met. By the way, the responsibilities need to be agreed to and not just imposed. I suggest writing out a “contract” so that chores are not glossed over or “forgotten.” It is important that both parent and teen have agreed on what the responsibilities, plus the rewards and consequences, are. Good luck.
Expert: Elaine Leader, Ph.D.
Interfaith Dating
Question: My 15-year-old daughter has recently acquired her first boyfriend, and he is of a different religion from ours. My husband is furious, and has forbidden her to see him. (They are at school together and so will still see each other every day.) He says that as long as she lives at home, she may only date boys he approves of. She cannot understand why he cares more about religion than about her happiness. I feel caught in the middle; I am not happy about the relationship either, but I don't think forbidding it is the answer. Help!
Posted By: Anonymous Answer: Both you and your husband have valid points regarding your daughter's first boyfriend. Let me begin with yours: This is her "first" boyfriend. You want to acknowledge and validate her desirability to boys. You want to be sensitive about taking away something very important that everyone longs for--to be wanted. You must be careful about ripping your daughter away from that wonderful feeling that goes along with pursuit and being pursued.
That said, your husband also holds very legitimate beliefs and worries. Begin by exploring what your husband's worries and fears are regarding interfaith love, romance, relationships, and even marriage. In my private practice, I have treated a number of families where there are two religions involved. The cases where it works most successfully are those where one or both are not emotionally involved in or practicing of their faith. When there are two different actively practicing religions, it can cause the child(ren) in this family a great deal of internal confusion and conflict. For kids to make a strong Self Identification, they need a clear identification in one religious belief system. This is particularly true when one parent openly or subtly puts down the other's religious beliefs and practices.
I am currently treating a very interesting family where the father is Jewish and the mother is Christian. When they married, neither one was particularly involved in their religion. Over time, however, they each became devout believers in their respective religions. They are now divorcing because one parent cannot tolerate teaching their child about the other’s religion.
This is a very, very complicated issue for couples and families. For this reason, I feel your husband's strong position needs to be acknowledged and respected. He may be feeling protective of your 15-year-old daughter's future. Both you and your husband will need to get on the same page. Whether it is to discourage or encourage, you must support each other or your daughter will end up even more split in her dilemma.
I suggest that after you and your husband come to an understanding you both sit down with your daughter and try your best to explain the complicated facts of interfaith relationships. You have a right, while your daughter is still living under your roof, to set boundaries regarding who she dates. However, you absolutely cannot control her feelings. You can tell her that a classmate friendship with this boy is okay, but you do not give her permission to date him. She may sneak behind your back and go out with him anyhow. I don't know enough about your daughter's character or your ability to have straight, honest communication with her to know if she would lie to you. On the other hand, you could gamble by telling her your feelings and allowing her to go out with him in the hope that the relationship is only temporary. I opt for the former rather than the latter.
Expert: Dr. Frances Walfish
Should parents involve themselves in a daughter’s choice of boyfriend?
Question: My daughter is 19 and is dating a boy that my husband and I don't approve of. Since they have been dating she doesn't care about her appearance, she doesn't associate with her friends, and she’s not close with her family. When we try to talk to her about it and try to explain why we don't want her seeing him she just gets angry. She has become a totally different person. The boy is 19 and lives with his parents who move around a lot. He dropped out of high school and didn't have a job until recently, he has no transportation so when they go out she has to pick him up and pay most of the time. I've pointed this out but she always defends him. I'm at wits end. Any advice would be appreciated.
Posted By: Anonymous Answer: Most parents of adolescents agree: There are times when we just do not understand our teenage children's choices or behaviors. At 19, your daughter likely perceives herself as an adult. While you may not agree, it is difficult (if not impossible) at times to influence an “adult” child's behavior. Your frustration with this situation undoubtedly stems from your love for your child and your fear that she is making bad life choices. You may be right, but that does not mean she will be willing to consider your point of view.
The central task of adolescence is to separate from the family of origin and the consolidation of a unique personal identity. As our teens struggle with this, we may yearn to protect them from potentially hurtful or damaging situations. Your daughter's current choice of relationship is clearly not what you would have chosen for her. In fact, that might be a compelling part of her fascination with this boy.
Your attempts to talk with your daughter about the changes you see in her and your unhappy reservations about this relationship have not been successful. Your daughter may feel that she is being judged, and this can lead to an even more stubborn adherence to her position. Adolescents can spot a power struggle from miles away, and engaging in the push-pull of trying to get her to understand your point of view will probably continue to be unsuccessful.
That being said, if you fear that some of the unhappy changes you are observing in your daughter have to do with her personal safety or the use of drugs or alcohol, it is important to address this directly. Safety is non-negotiable, so if you believe this boy puts your daughter in any kind of danger it is imperative to interfere in a clear and firm manner. Should this be the case, seek help from a professional who is trained to deal with these issues.
Perhaps it is time, though, for you to consider another approach. Your daughter needs to explore this experience, and your acceptance of this is critical. Attempt to get to know this boy some, and try to observe without judgment. It is possible that there is something in the quality of their relationship—a sweetness, perhaps, or a sense of total acceptance--that you have not yet seen. While it may be difficult to be cordial to a boy you deem inappropriate, your willingness to engage with him could "normalize" the situation enough that your daughter may realize he is not the right guy for her.
It may be difficult to censor your feelings, but try not to engage in lecturing or creating situations in which your daughter feels compelled to defend her boyfriend. Stating your observations in a neutral way ("I've noticed you are not seeing much of your old friends since you have been dating Tom") will be easier for your daughter to hear if they are not stated in a heavy-handed manner. Try not to point out the obvious, as your daughter will likely feel infantilized and insulted
Taking a seemingly passive position on your daughter's relationship is actually a very active way of helping your daughter move through this experience. Keep in mind that your daughter is still defining herself. Most adolescent relationships eventually end, and sometimes a teen's best learning occurs later, when she is able to integrate the experience in her own way. Until then, try to stay level and recognize that arguing, cajoling, and threatening will not do anything but make your daughter angry with you and further invested in remaining with this boy. Step back a bit. Your daughter may find this relationship less interesting when she notices that it is getting less attention from you.
Best of luck.
Expert: Allison Friedman, LCSW
When to Say No
Question: My daughter and I have always had a pretty close relationship. However, her dad gave her a car for her 16th bday. She totaled my car, hit curbs in hers and blew out tires. I took her car away for 2 months. Her grades are dropping and I she has just about quit talking to me. When I ask her anything, she snaps. She is constantly wanting to go somewhere. She doesn't drink or do drugs (that I know of). Her and I have had a pretty open relationship. I have been the permissive parent because of the childhood I experienced. I've always given her the benefit of the doubt. When she asks to go somewhere and I say no, I feel guilty and wonder if it's that important or maybe it's her way of seperating herself as a young adult. How much freedom is too much ? She is 16 yrs and 8 mos, so almost 17. They want to hang out at the parks. She is honest with me about the drinking and stuff going on (I not dumb, I sure she's not completely honest, but somewhat. She says she does not drink and so far I have checked her when she comes home. I get upset when she doesn't check in with me, am I being too strict, wanting to know where she is at ?
Posted By: Anonymous, Fort Worth/TX Answer: It does sound like your daughter is going through a very difficult time right now and I expect she feels bad about totaling your car and the other problems she caused with her driving. You did not mention if she has a relationship with her father or siblings whom she may be confiding in now.
I am wondering, too, if she feels she is currently a big disappointment to you since you describe your relationship as having been quite close. I know it is difficult if you have always been very permissive, then start being strict, because the teenager just does not get that kind of switch. You did not mention whether she took responsibility for the accidents she caused and wanted to make amends in any way.
I am concerned that you feel guilty when you set limits as it is very important for young people to know where parents draw the line, what the expectations are and consequences for breaking rules. Have you clearly given your daughter what you expect from her as far as responsibilities, and is it clear, too, about family rules and consequences when they are broken? It seems to me that a good place to start would be to have a family meeting where all of this gets clarified, and where your daughter gets to understand how she can regain trust. This meeting is not just for parents to lay down rules but for each family member to participate. For example, it is always good to ask the teen what consequences they think are appropriate for a broken rule. You may be surprised as some teens are actually stricter than their parents!
I think it is perfectly reasonable to want to know where she is when she goes out and that she should check in with you. You are right to think that your daughter is working through the normal task of adolescent development which is separation and individuation. This process moves them from dependency on the parental figures towards becoming a self-reliant young adult. However, they can only master this journey when they have parents who are able to hold the line when necessary. Adolescents need parents to be there as they move between dependency and independence in their struggle for self-identity.
Do you think there is the possibility that your daughter is depressed? I note that you say her grades have dropped and this is a common warning sign that something is troubling the young person. Perhaps it might be a good idea to meet with a family therapist to discuss the issues you raise. It does sound like something might be troubling your daughter and it may need an objective third party to help you sort it out so as to be most helpful. Since her grades have dropped you might want to check with her school counselor to see if there are any issues at school affecting her school performance. Good luck.
Expert: Elaine Leader, Ph.D.
Aggressive son
Question: I have a 16-year-old son, who is now aggressive. He doesn't like to listen to anything I have to say and has left my apt. to stay with a friend. Although he is still going to school, and is not physically harmful to himself or others (that I'm aware of), I'm still concern about him. He has deleted me?and other family members from his online social pages and only chats with my sister, who isn't a good influence. What should I do? Should I force him back home or let him be? Please help.
Posted By: Anonymous Answer: One of the more difficult aspects of parenting adolescents is encountering the feeling that an adolescent child has become unknown to us. From your question, it sounds as though you feel somewhat at a loss in understanding who your 16-year-old son has become. While troubling and disturbing, this sense of "not knowing" our teenage children is a theme that parents of adolescents frequently encounter. The teen's desire to separate from the family of origin and begin to live independently as an adult may lead him to make choices and decisions that are troubling--in this case, your son's self-imposed "exile" from you. Under the circumstances, it is quite normal to feel worried and afraid for your son's well-being.
From the tone of your letter, it sounds as though your relationship with your son has been troubling for a while. Anger is a potent force in a relationship between a parent and child, and during the turbulent adolescent years, may fuel separation between the two. You describe your son as aggressive, though not, to your knowledge, physically harmful to himself or others. Emotional aggression may be what fueled his departure from your home, so responding to this situation in anger will not likely be helpful.
You don't say whether your son's father is still in the picture. Has there been a recent divorce or death? If so, this could be fueling your son's emotional aggression. If Dad is around, would it help for your son to speak to him? You might also consider speaking to the school counselor to find out if something happened recently at school that caused your son to become aggressive.
It is doubtful that you could force your son to return home. If communication between you and your son frequently breaks down, try to find a helpful third party--perhaps a well-liked teacher or counselor at your son's school--to help. If you typically express your concern for your son in a way he is unable to hear, try another method. Sometimes a well-thought out email or letter is a good way to approach a teen who seems to be unreachable.
Make sure you express your concern for your son clearly and without anger. If possible, contact the friend or friend's family that he is staying with to let them know you remain concerned about his well-being and would like to work on your relationship with him. If he maintains a relationship with your sister, ask her to communicate this to him as well. Try not to express judgment about his choices. Instead, try to stay focused on your concern for him. By remaining quietly present without trying to force your son to return home (or include you as a friend on Facebook), you might telegraph your willingness to work with him and your sincere desire to move your relationship to higher ground.
Please consider counseling for yourself in trying to deal with the many feelings you may have about this breach between you and your child. No matter what the issues are, it is painful to experience a rift with a beloved child. The turbulence the adolescent experiences during this stage of their development impacts parents, too. Sometimes all we can do is be patient and work with our own feelings, but quite often, a shift in our own understanding of a difficult situation impacts our wayward teen. Seeking support for yourself during this difficult time is crucial, and ultimately, will only help in healing your relationship with your son.
Good luck.
Expert: Allison Friedman, LCSW
Mothers and Daughters
Question: Arguments with my 13-year old daughter are growing increasingly more frequent. I am aware that most of her attitude is a reflection of my own and I just don't know how to get back on track. I have said some really hurtful things to her and recognize that I am contributing to her lowered self-esteem. I want my daughter to grow into a strong and confident woman. Is there anyway to "fix" the damage that has been done? I apologize and we have heart to heart talks and still find ourselves in an argument within days. I talk to my friends and they all say this is normal for mothers and daughters, but I want to create a new normal in our home. Is it too late to instill respect for ourselves and each other? I am living the cons of permissive parenting and don't know how to "turn it around" after 13 years? I also have a 6 year old daughter who is displaying some of the same attitude and disrespect.
Posted By: Anonymous Answer: You sound like a very caring and concerned mother and have obviously given the issue a great deal of thought. On the one hand, much of what you describe is rather typical of the early adolescent stage of development when a young teen is beginning to separate and individuate. In other words your daughter is starting to assert herself with her own beliefs and opinions as part of the maturational process. This is part of the dependence/independence struggle of this age. Parents, particularly mothers, have to deal with their own feelings about this process. After all, your 13-year-old is telling you by her behavior that she is not a little child anymore. This separation process is a two way street, meaning that you are faced with having to let go of some of your earlier controls as she enters the teen years. This does not mean that she doesn't need your guidance, she still does, but how it is delivered is important. That being said, however, it is possible to accomplish this process in a respectful way.
It sounds like you are feeling some guilt over past expressions towards your daughter, and I commend you for apologizing. I am sure you want to avoid your discussions getting out of hand thereby necessitating later apologies. One way to avoid her feeling attacked by you is to always start with an "I" statement when you communicate your thoughts and feelings. So many times we tend to start with a "You" statement which generally ends with the other person feeling attacked and therefore on the defensive.
It is really important to just listen to your daughter without judgment so that she feels she is being heard. It is very helpful, too, that when you give feedback that it be empathic rather than critical. Perhaps you could also try to reflect back what you think she is feeling. This can give her an opportunity to acknowledge or deny the feelings, but she will certainly get the idea that you are trying to understand where she is coming from. Even if it is uncomfortable to hear some of her statements, just having you hear her out without interruption is very important to obtaining the respectful relationship you want. This does not mean that you give her permission to be rude. If she is rude to you during her discourse, then after hearing her out, you could let her know how much you appreciated her sharing with you but that it is important that you both maintain respect for one another.
Thanks for sharing your dilemma as it is not uncommon. Many parents find it helpful to get professional help when relationships seem to be getting out of control. Sometimes it takes a third party to get the ball rolling in the right direction. Have you considered perhaps seeing a family counselor to assist you in communicating with your daughter? It may only take a few meetings to turn things around. Meantime, best of luck.
RESOURCES
Expert: Elaine Leader, Ph.D.
Rules and Regulations
Question: Hi! Thank You for taking my question. My son is 13 years old. For 5 or 6 yrs I've been trying to get him to clean his room, pick up after himself and do the right thing when it comes to his responsibilities. When I use a friendly but consistent tone and give him choices like either clean your room or no going outside, he will take all day, and not seem to be fazed about losing his recreational time. He acts like I'm badgering him. My wife leaves this up to me and I feel powerless. This issue has lead to our separation, and he has chosen to live with her. I will not cave in and still continue to address his duties but nothing seems to change. How can I improve my technique? Thank you.
Posted By: adam, sacramento california Answer: I am so sorry to read that you have wrangled with your son for so long over this issue. And, to hear that this issue has lead to your marital separation is devastating. I have treated many fathers and mothers who are extremely competent and successful in their careers but are ineffective with their child(ren).
Your son acts like you are badgering him: Probably, you have. That's because it renders parents helpless when they repeat and repeat directions and commands over and over and over. By the 5th or 6th time, anyone would lose patience! It is better to state your directions once. For instance you can say, "Show me how you can clean your room now so that you can join your friends for lunch at the mall." Be sure he doesn't leave until he makes an honest attempt at cleaning his room. When you say it doesn't seem to faze him to lose recreational time, that tells me you have not chosen a meaningful consequence. The consequence must sting harshly for a short period of time for it to work. Perhaps, he is more affected by losing all electronic privileges (cell phone, computer, video games, etc.) for the rest of the day if he doesn't clean his room by a reasonable set time.
You are wise to not cave in on boundaries, rules, and structure. To be a good parent, one must be comfortable loving/nurturing AND setting/holding boundaries--both at the same time.
Unfortunately, if your son lives full-time with a mom who is too loose about rules, boundaries and follow-through, you will continue to feel ineffective. I think your family can benefit from consultation with an experienced family therapist. Communication and clarity is needed.
Good luck and all best!
Expert: Dr. Frances Walfish
Question: I have two teenage boys. They are not bad boys but they are always threatening us that once they turn 18 they will leave the house. We are not very strict but not lenient either. Their last report cards were not the best, and you can tell they slacked-off; especially my eldest who is 17 and now has a girlfriend. We grounded them once for a week and the worst time for two weeks with no phone. They said they hated us and they wanted to leave the house. They say we don't let them live. I honestly don't know what to do. Are we being too strict? Is this behavior normal? The way they talk, it seems as though they really hate us. Help.
Posted By: Anonymous Answer: I hear your frustration. When you say your teenagers seem to “hate” you, perhaps instead they are very, very mad at you. In my dictionary “hate” means “super angry.” It seems to me from the threats your boys are making about leaving home and their expressions of anger toward you and your husband, that they may actually be having reactions to the two of you having difficulty setting and holding clear boundaries. Kids need boundaries. They are very astute, and they know when their parents are equivocating. They don’t like that you grounded them, and they probably see that you are questioning your own judgment. This is not easy, particularly since the boys are growing rapidly and they (or at least the older boy) will be 18 years old soon.
First, you need to deal with the report cards. Let’s assume for now that there are no learning disabilities causing the boys’ dip in grades. By now, you would probably know if they had learning problems. Have a conversation with them about what they think the problem is. Is this a sudden change in grades or have they been having difficulty all along? There is no reason why you couldn’t make an appointment to speak to each son’s advisor or to the school counselor. Do the boys have too many extracurricular activities, or perhaps not enough? What do they do after school? Are they spending all their free time playing computer games?
If you determine that these are not learning difficulties, then you need to discuss a study plan that works for both them and for you rather than leaping to punishments, which just breeds anger in the boys.
Here are some points to consider for your plan:
- Homework Time must have a time frame so that they don’t rush to get finished, which often leads to careless mistakes made in the rush. In other words, the boys are required to sit and do homework for two hours. Juniors and seniors are often given at least two hours of homework.
- Prior to beginning Homework Time, the boys are required to hand over to you all of their electronic gismos. This includes cell phones, electronic games, iPods, and any additional potential distraction from concentrating on their work during Homework Time. At the end of the two hours, you return their electronics.
Are there other behavioral issues that are causing you to punish them? Both boys need opportunities to talk with you and your husband about what is happening in their lives, and they need to hear what feels comfortable to you. It all needs to be talked about in a straight-forward manner. Try it as a family. If you run into interference, you might consider having a family meeting with a counselor who can help facilitate and referee the discussion.
Good luck and please let us know how it goes.
RESOURCES
Expert: Dr. Frances Walfish
Type of parenting
Question: What are the benefits as well as the disadvantages of permissive parenting?
Posted By: Anonymous, Temecula, Ca Answer: It is difficult to give one definition of permissive parenting since parenting styles do differ and what one parent might consider permissive another may not. However, in a general sense permissive parenting appears to encompass less structure or rules and is where parents are perceived more as “friends” than authority figures. This can definitely be a disadvantage.
Often permissive parents are reacting to having themselves been brought up by strict, authoritarian or punitive parents whom they may have even feared. As a response they decide to be the opposite kind of parent, often going to an extreme alternative with regard to being permissive. This can result in parents losing any authority in the home. In fact, it can result in the child becoming “the boss” in the family with the parents feeling totally inept. At the extreme end of the permissive parenting spectrum, adolescents who receive little or no oversight tend to develop a sense of entitlement to the detriment of their current and future relationships. Others believe permissive parenting encompasses collaboration between parents and teens rather than only the parents being in charge.
Most child rearing experts agree that it is important that children grow up with predictability and structure as this not only gives clarity, but also the child feels more secure in this kind of environment. Difficulties can and do arise when young people enter puberty and begin to individuate and separate from their parents. This is normal development and does not mean that parents should give up total control or guidance to their pre-teen or teen.
Of course it is important that children be given responsibility and some decision-making according to their stage of development. The difficulties can arise when the teen does not adhere to an expectation or rule and there are no consequences. Some teens get very volatile and angry or wheedling to get their way. Parents may then give in rather than have a scene. Some parents just don’t like their teen being angry at them.
Here are some guidelines for parent/teen interactions:
- Be open to communication. Set up the time and place to talk without interruptions.
- Say what you are feeling and be prepared to talk about it.
- Define what is up for negotiation.
- Be specific.
- Be willing to compromise.
- Brainstorm ideas with your teen. Look at pros and cons.
- Don’t bear grudges, avoid blaming and accusatory language.
- Do fun things with your teen.
- Reinforce good communication. Remember to use “I” statements.
- Recognize when a situation needs professional assistance.
Bottom line is adolescents do best when they feel comfortable coming to parents when issues are troubling or overwhelming, when they receive empathy and concern rather than criticism. They balk at rigidity and welcome their ideas being taken seriously and without ridicule. In other words, adolescents are more likely to thrive when parents are authoritative rather than authoritarian or overly permissive.
Expert: Elaine Leader, Ph.D.
Who's right?
Question: My boyfriend of 4.5 yrs has stepped into the co-parent role with my 13 year-old daughter. He's very strict and overall rules with an iron fist when he feels she's "not doing what he asks her to". She's a great kid, honor roll student, does her best to keep up with house chores and rarely goes out. My boyfriend and I argue constantly about parenting styles. He thinks I'm too easy with her and she needs to be put on punishment if he sees her slacking on chores, grades slip, or the usual teenage girl issues such as the sassy attitude, little white lies and peer drama; for which I agree to an extent. He grounds her for long periods of time (like a month or two) to try to get his point across. I feel restrictions should be about a couple weeks and then give her an opportunity to use better judgement next time. He says he's tired of repeating himself and complaining about the same issues over and over again. Isn't that parenting, though? I'm worried that since he's too tough, she'll become rebellious and at the same time, I can't talk to him about it because he thinks I'm over-ruling him. I don't want him to drive a wedge between my daughter and myself. I know he means well, but there's got to be a better way...who's right?
Posted By: Anonymous Answer: Although you do not mention it, I am assuming your boyfriend is living with you and your daughter since he appears to be very involved in co-parenting. This situation is always a difficult one even when it is two biological parents who disagree on discipline and it is even more difficult when it is a step parent or significant other involved.
I am wondering whether you and your boyfriend have discussed parenting styles and if you come from different backgrounds where limits and discipline were very different.? Most of us bring to our parenting style something of how we were parented. We see this particularly where strict disciplinary actions were the rule during our own growing up years. Has he shared with you his feelings about his own childhood experience vis a vis his parents?
It is important to take time to talk about the developmental issues teenagers are dealing with and then come up with a collaborative way to handle these issues. It sounds like it might be helpful for you and your boyfriend to attend a parenting class or do some joint reading about teen development, at the very least. If this does not help then I suggest some counseling so that things don?t develop into your boyfriend ending up always as ?the bad guy? in the eyes of your daughter.
Has your boyfriend made an effort to develop a relationship with your daughter? When a new parental figure comes into the family it is always important for that person to establish rapport and to get to know the child or children. Once that is established the child is much better able to respond to the new parental figure in a positive way. In your situation it would seem to be important to come to compromises about discipline so that your rules aren?t seen as too lax and his as too rigid or punitive.
All in all it is important that you and your boyfriend aim to present a united front to your daughter so that she does not end up manipulating one of you against the other. It is my strong recommendation, therefore, that you seek some ongoing guidance to go over common teen issues. You should then, hopefully, be able to devise expectations, rewards and consequences with which you can both agree. I always find it helpful to write out these with the teenager so that she will know what is expected of her and what rewards will be given when expectations are met and what happens when they are not. This usually eliminates arguing about consequences since it is spelled out with the teen already. What is most important is for you and your boyfriend to be able to come to compromises with which you both agree and then to adhere to it. On a final note, please do not express your differences in front of your daughter but work on them out of her earshot!
Expert: Elaine Leader, Ph.D.
communication
Question: Hello, I know a parent who struggles with identifying how to speak in a positive loving way to her child. He is a difficult child but is more difficult when spoken to harshly. I was looking for an article of something with clear directions she can
Posted By: Anonymous Answer: Communication between parents and teens can be very tricky, and your friend’s awareness that she may be part of the problem is insightful and encouraging. Adolescents tend to push their parents’ buttons with stunning regularity, and it is sometimes very difficult to maintain a loving and positive tone when you feel you are under attack. Your friend’s insight about her reaction to her child can be quite useful in helping her to break free of the unhappy pattern she is identifying.
Adolescents are looking to provoke a reaction from their parents. Provoking is a form of testing on the teen’s part, to see how far they can go and to strengthen what is likely a beginning, shaky sense of self. Adolescent self-assertion can be toxically annoying. If we take it personally, it can become significantly more difficult to maintain our adult boundaries.
Encourage your friend to stay aware that some of her teen’s hostility and harshness are developmentally appropriate even though these qualities are profoundly unappealing. Remind your friend this is one of her teen’s ways of separating from her parents. The parent’s job is to set appropriate limits and not be surprised if the adolescent rebels against them. This does not have to lead to an ugly verbal exchange if your friend is able to step back and view some of these negative interactions as expectable and normal.
Your friend might also benefit from practicing representing herself clearly and without hesitation. Parents often feel they must respond to their child’s sense of urgency with urgency of their own. Not so! Taking a few minutes to consider your answer and informing your teen that you will think about it and get back to them is sometimes very helpful in avoiding habitual patterns of negative response. Self-soothing techniques like deep breathing can help parents to maintain a sense of calm. Making a conscious decision to walk away if things get unpleasant is an act of great strength. By the time you return to the issue, some of its “urgency” may have run its course.
Choosing your battles is an important element of mastering peaceful communication with your teen. If everything is an argument, there is no oasis for either the adolescent or their parent. Again, making a conscious decision about what she chooses to take on with her child may help to diminish the overall angry tone between them. Encourage your friend to stay tuned in to herself and identify when things are heating up for her. She should try to table the interaction at that point.
It is wonderful to speak in “a positive, loving way” to our children, but it is not always realistic. If, however, your friend feels unable to break free of a damaging communication style, professional help might be in order. A few sessions practicing communicating clearly and calmly, with attention to word choice and tempo, can be quite useful. Learning to listen both actively and compassionately can help, too. Remember, we are always modeling behavior for our children—and we cannot teach them to use tools we ourselves do not possess!
Allison B. Friedman, LCSW, ACSW
Expert: Allison Friedman, LCSW
|
