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phone sex
Question: My 16 year old daughter is having phone sex with her boyfriend. She says doing this will keep them from having real sex. I disagree. What is your opinion?
Posted By: Melissa Answer: Of course without knowing your daughter and her boyfriend and what they actually mean by "phone sex" it is difficult to state whether or not they will end up engaging in "real sex." Again, one's definition of this can vary. Some people include all aspects of sexual activity -- masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, sexual intercourse, even making out or phone sex -- as "real sex." However, I am assuming that as the parent you are most likely referring to sexual intercourse as "real sex."
You don't say how you found out about this. Did you hear or see her on the phone or did she tell you about it? I was wondering if the phone sex you refer to is on a landline phone or a cell phone. I know quite a few young people have uploaded half nude or fully naked photos of themselves to the chagrin of a parent when found out. I guess the bottom line is with all the new technology available to teens they are not always aware that this kind of activity can not only be revealing but could also be exploited. The latter can occur if the relationship breaks up or even if one of the partners wants to show off to their pals. Pictures on a cell phone can be uploaded to the Internet.
I am guessing that you do not want your daughter to engage in overt sexual activity and that you think the "phone sex" is just a preliminary step towards her then taking the next step into sexual intercourse. I would suggest that you let your daughter know that to some people having phone sex is having "real" sex, though she may believe it is a substitute for intercourse. Do you see the phone sex as risky because it may be stimulating and arousing already racing adolescent hormones so that there would be no stopping her from acting out in reality what they are playing out on the phone? My guess is she is trying to reassure you, or perhaps she is really reassuring herself, that she is having phone sex since she is not yet ready for the real thing yet.
I am curious as to how you have dealt with this situation with your daughter. I imagine some parents might take phone privileges away although this could be tricky since the teen may then feel pushed into acting out just to retaliate. I think most important is for you and your daughter to communicate openly, for you to give her your opinions in a non-judgmental way and to spend time discussing sex with her, answer her questions and let her know your concerns without pressure or preaching. Let's face it, by the time our children are teens they have already internalized our values even if they may fight against them as they establish their own identity and individuation.
Expert: Elaine Leader, Ph.D.
Video Games Online
Question: I have a 13-year-old that has many "online" friends whom he games with for hours on end. Recently my son and one of these "friends" prank called some businesses in Washington. The other boy told my son that authorities were involved so my son told me because he was scared. The boy was actually lying to scare my son so nothing really happened. I took everything away--the Xbox, phone, ipod etc. I have put time limits, text limits and parental controls on everything. Is this too much? Am I overreacting? I think I should have done this long ago. My son is very angry at me, he says these people online are his "friends," yet he has never met any of them. Should I block the boy that he made the calls with? Or monitor and trust? I am a single parent and am walking the fine line of not overreacting but letting him know I am serious. Yet I want him to be able to come to me again if there is trouble. HELP!
Posted By: Anonymous Answer: Taking away your son's access to interactive technology may be a reasonable short-term consequence, but it doesn't help him figure out the long-term problem of who he should trust online. Young people, especially gamers, do "meet" people online but, as your son discovered, they shouldn't be regarded as "friends" because it's impossible to know whether they are trustworthy. This is true in offline life too, of course. Point out to your son that true friendship takes time. Online where we have fewer cues about people, it takes even longer.
At 13, it makes sense for there to be rules about what your son does online, just as you have rules about where he can go and who he can see in the offline world. Time limits are appropriate because it's easy for interactive pastimes to crowd out homework, chores, sports and other offline activities. It helps to encourage your son's participation in real world activities at school, church and in the community so he can develop more off-line friendships. This is a good time to clarify real-world rules: prank-calling is not allowed!
The long-term goal, however, is for your son to learn to make good judgments about what he does online. The fact that he was alarmed by what happened gives you an opportunity to talk to him honestly about your concerns. You may even want to tell him that you might have overreacted because your number one job is to keep him safe and you're not sure how to do that online. Ask him to tell you about his online friends. What does he know about them? How does he decide whether they can be trusted? What does he want to do about the boy who betrayed him?
Many parents are alarmed at the thought that online predators and scam artists might target their kids. Even though there are risks, the Internet also produces powerful benefits in the lives of young people. That's why parents need to engage their children in ongoing conversations about the risks and rewards of being online. If at all possible, work with your son to figure out rules that will satisfy your concerns about safety while allowing him to enjoy the games he loves. His response to a calm, respectful conversation about these issues may tell you that your son isn't mature enough to make good decisions online. In that case, it makes sense to restrict his online gaming to friends he knows in real-life.
Expert: Carolyn Jabs
Question: My son is looking at porn online, and I am very upset about this. Is this normal behavior for a teenage boy? How concerned should I be? Where can I go to get some answers about this behavior? Any information would be a great help.
Posted By: Anonymous Answer: Your son is exploring his curiosity. Boys do it in one way and girls in another, and it is absolutely natural. It is helpful for you as his parent to acknowledge that he is curious and that it's okay.
Encourage him to ask you questions. Sometimes, it is easier to talk about sex with someone outside of the family. In that case, you could offer him the opportunity to have a couple of meetings with a counselor, his doctor, or a special person (such as a therapist) who talks with teens. You could direct him to a web site such as Planned Parenthood’s section for teens: www.plannedparenthood.org/teen-talk/index.htm. Remember: Open communication is healthy. You want him to feel the normalcy and not feel shame about being interested, curious, and excited.
A "limit" will need to be put on how much time your son is spending looking at porn because looking at porn online can become habitual or addictive. It can't be all the time, because over-engaging in this activity can pull him away from healthy social interaction. However, it is crucial that you do not put too strict or tough a limit, or he may do it at a friend's house or go underground and find ways to sneak around you. Dialogue with him. Talk together about what he thinks is reasonable and what you think is reasonable. Trust that together you will come up with a plan that feels comfortable to both of you. Unless he is obsessive about this behavior, you have nothing to be concerned about. If he is obsessive, you will only learn this in time by observing his behavior. There are excellent specialists who are available to help teens who become obsessive in this area.
Thanks for asking this very important question.
Dr. Fran Walfish
Expert: Dr. Frances Walfish
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